Update: The End

I’ve been thinking about endings a lot.

Not the endings of stories like you might think. The ending of a journey. The ending of a trial. As an example I will talk about a story, but bear with me.

One of my all time favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption. I won’t go into too much detail about why, but if you have seen it you might know where I am going with this. The story centers around a man named Andy Dufresne who was wrongfully found guilty and thrown into jail. The jail is named Shawshank. Technically it is a prison but I am too much of a rule follower to know the real difference between the two. Andy, eventually, makes it out of Shawshank. The first person to ever escape the tyrannical warden and his lackeys. Just saying “he gets out” does little service to what he endures. Years of tunneling through a wall in his cell, breaking a solid steel pipe, and then crawling through miles of the pipe which, as you might have wondered, is a sewage pipe.

When he does make it out of the pipe it is deep into the night and it is raining hard. Triumphant music plays as Andy is washed of Shawshank and goes on to make a new name for himself. I didn’t miss lead you entirely before; this example is not the end of the story of The Shawshank Redemption. The story goes on with the guards finding his empty cell, then eventuality the whole world hears of his escape, and finally his friend Red leaves the prison and reunites with Andy in Mexico years later. I am not concerned, or more accurately, obsessed with the story’s ending. I am obsessed with Andy’s time at Shawshank ending.

How emblematic it is of so many struggles. So many real world examples of people faced with a challenge that seems insurmountable… yet they don’t give up. It makes me think of the documentary Free Solo where a seasoned rock climber attempts to climb the face of El Capitan, a 900 meter rock face in Yosemite National Park, without the help of a rope. It reminds me of Star Wars and the rag-tag rebels who managed to destroy a moon sized space station and cripple a galactic empire. It reminds me of a million small challenges I have had to face in my own life.

I have not had to escape from prison, or climb a mountain, or topple a fascistic regime. But like so many others I have stared at the sheer scope of a problem and crumpled in front of it. And like so many others I have also conquered them. Several things have motivated me in those moments but the one thing that is gnawing at my mind lately is that one feeling. The rain streaking down my face. The view from on top of that mountain. The view of disparate rubble. The end.

I have been, to little surprise if you know me, going through some stuff. I was purposely vague in my previous updates and for good reason. Now, almost half a year later, I am finally over the biggest hurdles I was facing. It doesn't quite feel like I thought. I really did expect the feeling I tried to describe above and while I do feel a little of that I am also left anxious that what I think is done will come back in some way. Like I will be thrown back in prison, or tossed off the mountain, or the Empire will build a second space station (which actually does happen in Star Wars). This tells me that I am not as close to that ending as I hope, but I am not deterred.

The entire time I spent away from keeping you updated I was writing. Not exactly like this, though I wish that were the case. I spent hours and hours planning, reworking, and organizing my ideas. I discovered several new stories while I was away and I did actually write some down too. I even attended an entire Writer’s Conference. Can you imagine that? Me sitting in a room while panelists talked about writing. Like a real writer. I’ve been waiting to tell you that for awhile.

I have not been writing to you because after I was done with my stuff I didn’t know how. There is no perfect way to come back to this habit. To come back to a reader base who has, I hope, forgotten about me. I would feel very guilty if I left anyone waiting. But lets be honest: I’m not big enough to actually leave any FAN upset at my absence. My real fans I do have told me in real life that they missed this and that is enough for me. But one day I will have fans.

I am writing a book. I think I teased that fact to you a long, long time ago but I don’t feel like being coy anymore. It is a book and I am writing it. It is harder to write than my first and part of that is my drive. Another part is time. Well, it used to be. Now I have more of both. I don’t know when you can read it, but I can tell you that one day you will be able to buy it. To own it. To read it. I have some ideas about what my real “ending” will be, and I don’t know if that is it, but maybe it is part of it.

I hope I didn’t embarrass myself with this long and cheesy blog post. I hope I didn’t cause you any long term effects from cringe. I hope I don’t let you down. I also hope my dad doesn’t say anything about this corny entry because that would kill me.

Next week I will write to you again. It will be about my book.

I will see you then.